The beginning.

I am 31 years old.  I am a single mom of 2 beautiful children.  I am 5 feet 6 inches tall.  I weigh 310 pounds.  I am just now, at 31 years old, beginning to question my lifestyle.  I sit here and wonder why it took me so long.  Why haven't I ever cared before?  I find that after years of wishing I were thin...it's not about that anymore.  I am over-all happy in my skin.  Sure, I have days where I hate myself and think I'm the most disgusting woman ever created, but I no longer feel like I need to change FOR anyone.  I am now worried about being healthy.  I am worried about not being here for my babies.  I am worried about what eating habits I am teaching them for the rest of their lives.  I sat here for the past two hours researching healthy eating plans and things of that nature, and then I proceeded to mow down a Milky Way bar....WHAT THE FUCK?  So I decided maybe I need to make myself accountable for my behavior and my eating habits.  I am amazing at making excuses.  I am amazing at procrastinating.  I am amazing at being the laziest person in the city I live in.  How do I change?  I have started too many times and given up.  I asked myself a question the other day...."why am I okay with the fact that I am killing myself with food?"   What makes me any different than some guy driving 100mph with no safety belt?  Do I not value my life?  What is holding me back??  I think it's that I am terrified of trying.  I am terrified of giving up the only thing that I have around to comfort me - food.   I have thought about going as far as having gastric bypass surgery, but I don't know if permanently altering my body's natural design is a good option.  I mean sure, a quick fix sounds so amazing...to start dropping the weight almost immediately would be worth it I suppose, but what would I have really learned from that?  I need to learn how to eat.  I need to learn how to listen to my body...and not that part of my mind that is always trying to drown out my needs with my wants...with my cravings.  So here I am...I don't know if anyone will even read this shitty blog or not...and I suppose it doesn't matter...but I have to hold myself accountable, so I will open up my journey to the public.  I will open up my setbacks as well as my progress.  I am hopeful that there will be some progress...someday....